The Course of True Love Never Runs Smooth?!
I am just sitting here in bed with my laptop trying to figure out how to write the next installment of my real life fairytale. Chronology is pretty critical and so I may just throw in the dates like a journal, just saying. For me all writing, like life, is a work in progress. I give myself permission to write an imperfect draft knowing that it is a starting point and can be edited and improved upon. So here we go…
Sunday 12 February
Its been just over a week since I heard myself praying ‘Heavenly Father, if there is someone I should be with please show me!’ And four days since Ray Denos rang my doorbell and announced that he was divorced, had been searching for me, knocked me off my feet by telling me I am still as beautiful as the day he baptized me 35 years ago, told me I had the qualities he was looking for in a wife and proposed friendship!
Last night Ray and I spent five hours together. In my journal I wrote…’Ray and I are like fire and water…’ What exactly did I mean? Just that sparks are flying and they aren’t necessarily the good kind! I don’t know what to make of this guy and if you asked me today if I could see myself with him I would answer with an emphatic ‘No!’
However, today at Church I was thinking about what Ray had said about writing a list of 30 or 40 qualities I would look for in a spouse. Initially I was annoyed at his suggestion but now I began to seriously consider….what is it I am really looking for that I have never found?…Or more to the point…who am I looking for? A favorite scripture came instantly to my mind Cor 13:4-which defines love by: suffereth long, kind, envieth not, vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, not behave unseemly, seeks not her/his own, not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, rejoiceth not in evil, rejoiceth in truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. This is how I want someone to treat me, I thought.
I continued this process, looking at favorite scriptures and finding in them qualities or attributes that were important to me. After a while I had a big ol’ list. Later I wrote Ray an email which would come to be known as ‘the epistle’. It was a long email with scriptures and why they were important and illustrated what I was looking for in this ‘man of my dreams.’
Now this was a brave step for me, reaching out, exposing my thoughts especially considering the paradoxical way I was feeling about what was happening; so unsure, so uncertain. Yet, I was curious and even a little excited to see what kind of response I would receive from my epic insight! Ray’s response was true to form for a guy, a brief text stating ‘Thats a great start to your list of 30 or 40 qualities.’ I was disappointed he did not give more feedback and his comment felt patronizing.
Sunday evening as we finished our phone call he told me he would call me every night between 9 and 9:30 then said goodnight and hung up! I sat there, not believing what he had just said. ‘I dont want to talk to him every night!’ I said out loud. ‘What is he thinking? Didn’t he listen to me?’
Sleep did not come easily that night. I was irritated and frustrated at how things were going with Ray, my thoughts and feelings seemed to be going every direction. Eventually I fell asleep only to awake a few hours later at 3am, a pattern that had become too familiar the last four nights. By 5am I was still tossing and turning and my mental state had reached fever pitch. I could not take it any more. I picked up my phone and sent him the following text.
‘Ray, I hope this doesn’t wake you but I just have to tell you…I can’t do this friendship anymore. I am already annoyed and frustrated at trying to communicate with you. Sometimes you come across as patronizing and I already feel like you are not listening to me. Having said this I think you are a good man with a good heart.’
No sooner had I hit the send button I fell into a peaceful sleep. Little did I realize what I had done….